Hello friends,
I genuinely hope you’ve been well in all areas of life.
This week, let’s talk about CONFLICT. In fact, I’d like to spend more than one week on this topic. We all experience conflict, and it’s often useful to have a refresher on core concepts and best practices.
Let’s run through the What, the Why, and the How . . .
THE “WHAT”
Conflict. It’s unavoidable and inevitable, unless we isolate ourselves to the point of eliminating all possibility of conflict. Some of us are ok with it, while many of us want to avoid it at all costs. But it’s not going anywhere!
THE “WHY”
Why do we need to be good at dealing with conflict? Well again, because conflict is just a part of any relationship, whether it’s personal or professional.
That doesn’t mean that we’re having intense fights everyday. That’s at the extreme end of the spectrum. But we’ll all have disagreements that become a bit challenging at times.
So it’s useful to be skilled, at least minimally, at dealing with conflict, so that we can preserve our relationships, and prevent some of these issues from growing toxic and becoming a problem.
Obviously there’s other reasons as well, but this is enough to get us started.
THE “HOW”
There is soooo much to say about HOW to manage conflict effectively, much more than we’ll have space for in these newsletters. But we’ll take a crack at covering a few essentials to build on.
And that’s one place to start–for the last number of years I stopped saying “conflict resolution” in exchange for saying “conflict management.”
Why? Because it’s not always possible to RESOLVE a conflict, though it IS always possible to MANAGE a conflict.
And again, why? Because to resolve a conflict requires the other party to get on board with the process and work it through to an agreement, which is not always possible. Some people aren’t interested in resolving a conflict.
Whereas I can MANAGE a conflict 100% by myself, without the other party’s cooperation. I HOPE they come to the table with me and discuss the important matters, but if they refuse, I can still do MY part to manage things well on my end.
That’s just my view, take it or leave it. Maybe I’m getting too picky about what we call it.
BIG CONFLICT MANAGEMENT IDEA #1
Time to be practical. These are 3 concepts you can begin applying immediately.
The place to ALWAYS begin when discussing a disagreement with someone is:
Treat the other person with RESPECT.
This starts with an attitude and mindset of respect.
Out of this attitude and mindset, hopefully, will flow respectful communication.
What does respectful communication look like? That’s another entire article, but basically think how YOU would like to be respected when talking through an issue with someone, and go with that: probably things like no repeated interrupting, no name calling, no blaming, no judging, no assumptions, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, etc.
It’s pretty difficult, and at times impossible, to get anywhere in these conflict management conversations if we’re not treating the other party with respect, and vice versa.
BIG CONFLICT MANAGEMENT IDEA #2
The next important thing to keep in mind is to listen until you”experience” the other side, and paraphrase back the essence of what you hear.
Listening–GOOD listening–can take effort, and is not always easy, especially in situations of conflict. And that’s exactly what’s required here.
Listen so well so that you can paraphrase back to the other person their “message.” If you can’t send an accurate paraphrase, then you’re not listening sufficiently!
If you ARE able to accurately paraphrase, you will be demonstrating to the other that you understand what they’re saying. You don’t have to agree with it, but you ABSOLUTELY DO need to UNDERSTAND it. Otherwise, you’ll be trying to negotiate something that doesn’t exist!
BIG CONFLICT MANAGEMENT IDEA #3
Briefly state your own views, needs, and feelings.
You’ll get your chance to elaborate. But BEGIN with a brief statement, and build from there. After some trust has been built and calmness has been gained, then you can get into the details.
And if you keep it brief, you’re decreasing the chances of the other person becoming defensive.
Also, notice that we’re stating our view SECOND, after we’ve listened to the other person state their view first.
By taking the listener position first, you are earning the “right” to be listened to. You’re tapping into the law of reciprocity. If I do a good job of respectfully listening to you, then the chances are high that you’ll do the same for me in return.
So then, listen first.
IN CONCLUSION
Speaking of brief, let’s leave it at that. There’s about 10 other “big ideas” we could outline, and a lot more to the actual PROCESS and STEPS of conflict management, but we’ll stop here for now, and come back next time for some more tips on conflict management.
In the meantime, practice these 3!
SHOUT OUT!
Hey, I’d just like to give a shout out to Dr. Robert Bolton, who expressed these 3 points in his wonderful book called People Skills, which I HIGHLY recommend.
Take care until next time,
Sean
MEN! Interested in a FREE monthly process that keeps you on track and focused on your highest priorities and primary targets?
Join my community “Men’s Monthly Review” by going to seanpatrickcox.com/monthly-review