The second pair of dream-killing words we want to look at today is as equally troublesome as the first pair from a few days ago.
Have you been defusing those pesky What-If’s?
Consider the second pair: If Only.
Again, two small words that can pack a punch.
To review, What-If keeps us stuck because it elicits anxiety, perhaps even fear, about the future.
So the way we calm ourselves down and feel better is to avoid that fearful scenario by not pursuing it.
This may calm down fear and anxiety for the moment, but it also prevents us from reaching those important goals we’ve set for ourselves. That’s a horrible trade-off!
If-Only looks in the opposite direction. What-If gets us stuck because of how we choose to look into the future, and If-Only gets us stuck because of how we chose to look into the past.
If-Only looks backwards and laments over past events, usually causing us to feel regret. Sometimes, perhaps even guilt or shame.
Regret is not something abnormal or unhealthy. We really may have experienced something legitimately regretful.
The problem occurs when we don’t move through the regret and don’t resolve the regret!
“If only I didn’t . . .”
“If only she hadn’t . . .”
“If only it hadn’t . . .”
“If only we could have . . .”
Regret-worthy things? Sure. Do some regrets take time to let go of . . . really let go of? Yes indeedy.
But eventually we gotta move on, regardless of what we’re regretting!
Just a side note, which is really the topic of a separate article: there’s also the opposite problem that I’ve seen many times—people who “move on” too fast.
Remember this: those who move on too fast are bound to repeat their history (and no, not the fun parts).
So, if you find yourself recycling the same old What-If’s over and over and over again, there’s a good chance that one of two things is happening:
- there’s a part of you that’s trying to get the attention of the rest of you, clamoring for closure and resolution.
- you really have gotten sufficient closure and resolution, but you keep re-opening those old wounds, when it would be best to just leave them alone and let them heal.
As I’ve said in previous articles: acknowledge your losses, embrace them, lean into them, learn from them, grieve them, and then let go and move on.
Stay tuned for the third pair of dream-killing words, coming your way soon!
In the meantime, be on the lookout for those What-If’s and If Only’s.
Be well my friends.
--Sean Cox, Chicago