3 Pair of Dream-Killing Words: Pair #3

We come now to our third and final dream-killing pair of words.

To review, first we looked at What If, and saw how and why this slows us down and sabotages our progress.

Next, we looked at If Only, and how this pair impedes our progress.

This brings us to . . . drum roll please . . . Yes, But.

We all know what this looks like.

You:  “I’ve done the research and crunched the numbers, and I’m confident this new plan will succeed.”

Other:  “Yes, but what about . . . ?”

The interesting thing about Yes But is that it usually comes from others rather than from inside our own heads.  We probably hear others say this to us much more than we say it to ourselves.

Nothing quenches the fire of our enthusiasm more than a naysayer’s well-placed Yes But.

This is not to say that we should ignore good feedback from wise people we respect and have established credibility with us.  That’s not smart.

Yes But’s are different.  They typically aren’t very useful as feedback.  The Yes-Butter’s intentions may be good—“I’m only trying to help”, but, ironically, it’s usually not helpful at all.

And to make matters worse, Yes But’s are usually unsolicited—we’re not asking for their advice!

I’m convinced some are just wired to say Yes But, as if these two words are always on the very tips of their tongues, waiting for the slightest provocation to come flying out, like a couple of antsy racehorses anxiously waiting for the starting gate to open.

To be fair, Yes Butting is a particular thinking style that can actually offer much value, and there are jobs where this kind of person is a perfect fit.

The problem is not so much with the ideas behind the Yes But.   The problem is how the message is packaged.  Yes But assumes that I want to hear your naysaying.  It can be a bit presumptuous and intrusive.

You can’t control whether or not someone Yes Butt’s you, but you can prevent the Yes But from living inside of you and messing with your head.

And if you frequently deal with chronic Yes Butter, you may need to set a boundary, e.g., limiting your time with them when you are in the midst of some big thinking, or calling them out on their unsolicited advice--“Hey, I’m sure you mean well, but I’ll let you know the next time I need your advice about this.”

And, if YOU are the chronic Yes Butter, then slow down!  You may actually have something important to say, but you’re increasing your chances of not being heard if you start with Yes But.

Instead, ask permission to give your opinion.

Of course, the other person may not want your opinion.  The hardest thing for a chronic Yes Butter can be not knowing what to do with their unspoken Yes But.  Here’s a suggestion—swallow it!

So, don’t allow your dreams, visions, and “big thinking” to be derailed by a small-minded Yes Butter.

If Yes Butters ruled the world, we’d still be WALKING everywhere—every mode of transportation, beyond walking, required innovative thinking, and often big thinking:  the horse and buggy, the bicycle, the automobile, the train, the airplane, the rocket.  And there are parallels for sea travel as well.

I can guarantee you that there were Yes Butters for every one of these new modes of transportation!

“Yes but how will that contraption stay in the air?”

“Yes but how will that big thing not sink in the ocean?”

“Yes but who will want to travel that way?”

“Yes but is it safe?”

“Yes but I heard . . .”

And this is just the world of travel.  How many naysayers were there for the development of the personal computer?

Remember when copy machines came out?   How many small-minded Yes Butters preceded the first copy machine?

And on and on.  Anything great that’s ever been accomplished always consisted of two thing:  a big-minded visionary and a small-minded Yes Butter—I just know that Yes Butter was there somewhere.

So, who are you—the big-minded visionary or the small-minded Yes Butter?

The choice is yours.  And yes, it is a choice.

--Sean Cox, Chicago

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