Everyone has their own personal history with anger.
Some struggle with the anger experience, and do whatever they can to avoid it. Others almost look like they enjoy being angry, seeming to provoke it just to be in it.
Some are stuck in anger and want to be free from its grip. And then there are those who find that hanging onto anger feels useful in ways that they’re not even clear on themselves.
As we discussed in our previous article, anger is actually a gift, with an ultimate purpose.
We’ve all seen, from observing others, as well as from living our own lives, that there’s more than one way to express anger.
Basically, there are 4 “faces” of anger–4 ways that anger can be expressed.
They all have their place in certain situations, though one of them is questionable.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
FACE #1: Aggressive
Sometimes we’re aggressive with our anger. It may not be physical aggression. Verbal aggression counts, too.
We all know when we’re on the receiving end of verbal aggression, that’s for sure–yelling, bullying, demanding, colorful language for emphasis.
Aggression tends to beget more aggression, and never solves the real problem, ie, whatever is causing the anger in the first place.
FACE #2: Passive
When we’re passive with our anger, we’re keeping it in, trying to distance ourselves from it.
When we’re showing this face, it’s often because we don’t like how anger feels, what it means, or where it could take us.
So we keep it in. It’s too uncomfortable to experience.
Conflict-avoidant folks show this face when they’re angry. They know it could lead to a difficult conversation that they’d prefer not to have, so they hide their anger and keep it under wraps.
Sometimes people distance themselves from anger because it triggers deeper pain they haven’t completely dealt with, and would cause them to re-live feelings they’d prefer to forget.
And then, many simply haven’t learned to manage their anger internally and express it externally in a way that’s “works”. So they bury it. They’re just functioning at their skill level.
Of course, there are some who aren’t even aware that they’re angry (oh, but they are angry, and it eventually “leaks out”).
Warning: a passive approach to anger often leads to Face #3 . . .
FACE #3: Passive-Aggressive
This face of anger is a mashup of the first two faces. This is when we say it without really saying it–when we express our anger without really expressing it.
Kinda sneaky, huh?
There are many ways this happens. The list is too long to go into detail, but let’s cover a few ideas.
- sniping–like the sniper hiding behind the bush, popping his head out long enough to secretly take a shot, in a similar way the verbal sniper peeks his head out and takes “pot shots” at us–those little put-downs, digs, and backhanded comments.
- sarcasm–not all sarcasm is anger, but some definitely is
- misdirection–saying something to Person A that we really mean for Person B, who is within earshot. All those “some people” comments, eg, “some people are so selfish…”
We can also be behaviorally passive-aggressive (BPA). Again, we’re subtly communicating our anger, this time through our actions, without actually telling the person we’re angry.
- being late and making someone wait
- not finishing your part of a task
- ”forgetting” to do something
- ”accidentally” breaking something that belongs to the person we’re angry with
You get the idea.
Sometimes all this is intentional, and sometimes the angry person is so disconnected from her anger that it leaks out in her behavior, as I’ve mentioned, without really understanding that it’s happening.
The “great” thing about VPA or BPA is that people can easily deny their anger if someone calls them out on it:
-Joe: ”You’re late again?? What’s up? Are you mad about something?
-John: “Who me? Nooo, no way!! You read into things too much. Just chill dude.”
FACE #4: Assertive
Which brings us to our final face of anger–assertive expression.
Simply saying we’re angry, in a direct, respectful manner, and why. Without words that injure, yet words potent enough to convey the full extent of our perspective.
Not many are able to do this well, but all can learn to do it better. How are your assertiveness skills?
Yes, it is a skill–actually, a complex set of skills. To effectively engage someone in a conversation about an issue that triggered anger in us, as we manage our own emotions and words, and clearly communicate our perspective, while at the same time defusing the other person’s defensiveness (if that happens), is no small task.
ALL FACES HAVE THEIR PLACES (MAYBE)
There’s a twist. While I’m saying the assertive response is typically the “best” response (honest, straightforward, direct, respectful, and clear), there are times when one of the other options is most appropriate, based on the situation.
You may think, for example, that an aggressive expression of anger doesn’t have a place in civilized society. That’s true, but not all society is civilized.
Everyone has to decide for themselves. I don’t want this to turn into an ethics article.
There are other situations where a passive approach to anger may be the best course of action. Sometimes it’s neither smart nor safe to voice our anger–not to the person we’re angry with. At least “not yet”–sometimes it’s a timing thing . . . “for now I’ll remain quiet”.
Or, we’re angry, true enough, but because of the situation, or the nature of the relationship, or our goals, dealing with it internally is best (as long as we actually can deal with it internally and let it go–some think they’re letting the anger go, when they’re only burying it).
And what about a passive-aggressive response to anger–being VPA or BPA? Are there times when these are legit ways to express our anger?
You tell me. Personally, I say no. If you need to say something to me, have an open convo and deliver an assertive message. Or, if you’re able to work it out within yourself and let it go, that’s fine, too.
But don’t half-say it in passive-aggression. That either confuses people or creates more anger in yourself as well as in your target, and certainly doesn’t solve anything, other than giving you momentary and fleeting pleasure.
I’ll just call you out on it and save us both some time–”is there something you’re trying to tell me?”
OF COURSE, THERE’S ALWAYS THIS . . .
We may be all set to talk to someone about the issue that triggered the anger, but we need to first consider who we’re talking to.
If I think someone has a low likelihood of engaging with me in a productive conversation, then I won’t waste my breath, not yet anyway, unless there’s a compelling reason to bring the issue up at that point.
What about you? Is this your approach, too, or do you handle this type of scenario differently?
It really depends on your goal. If you just want to vent your anger to the person that triggered it, regardless of how they respond, then it really doesn’t matter what frame of mind the other person is in.
However, if you want a conversation that leads to a productive outcome, then you need two calm heads.
Of course, this means that YOU have to have a cool head, too!
A WORK IN PROGRESS
Becoming more skillful in this area of anger is worth putting time and effort into developing, because it is a normal, regular part of the human experience.
We all benefit when we’re getting better at:
- recognizing our anger
- accurately understanding where it’s coming from
- defusing it within ourselves and calming ourselves down
- calmly deciding if we need to take action, eg, having a conversation
We’re all a work in progress. Let’s all keep at it.