“NO!” Little Melissa screamed with a force that seemed to come from somewhere other than her 3-year-old body. Her mother was wanting Melissa to put away her toys and move towards bedtime, but clearly Melissa had other plans for the evening.
It’s amazing how we so comfortably begin saying no at such an early age—a necessary part of our human development--and then in our adult years (well, sooner) often “forget” how to form our mouths into the correct shape to have this short little word exit from us.
Indeed--one very small, yet very powerful word. Only two letters, N-O. It’s amazing how much power this little word has.
And it’s amazing how much conflict this word can create as well. Have you ever told someone no, and caught hell for it?
Or has someone else’s “no” ever caused you to unravel?
Or, has this word created conflict within your own heart as you struggled to say it to someone?
One thing is certain, which most (in my opinion) don’t realize: if we don’t master “The Art of No”, then we’ll be severely limiting our success.
“No” quickly clarifies our boundaries. And as we pursue our most important goals, one thing we need above all else are clear boundaries.
This is foundational—in fact, healthy boundaries are the cornerstone of any successful project.
Why? Because boundaries are like the fence that keeps the neighbor’s vicious dog out of our yard. Our boundaries protect us and the things we value.
What in the world do we need to be protected from?!
Well, since this blog and website are about our focused pursuit of powerful goals, I’m not talking about the need to protect ourselves from some menacing person threatening us with bodily harm.
I’m talking about protecting something else—3 things:
- our time
- our energy
- our focus
As we live out the visionary life and pursue powerful goals, these three elements of time, energy, and focus are on the list of necessary ingredients that we must manage well if we are to experience success (however you define success).
For example, we have a finite, limited amount of time. Only 24 hours in a day. We all have the same amount, renewed every morning when that alarm goes off.
Why are some people more productive than others? Plain and simple--because some are better at setting boundaries and saying no than others.
It’s usually not because we lack the knowledge or the tools of good time management. We’ve been to numerous seminars and read the books on managing our time. Many of us could teach the courses ourselves!
It’s because we say yes to the wrong things!
Or, we say yes to the right things at the wrong time.
Even when we know better.
Perhaps little things that chip away at our time, or bigger things that take sizeable chunks out of our time.
It’s these “Careless Yeses” that kill us!
The same can be said for Careless Yeses that drain our energy and our focus.
So, it’s these Careless Yeses that drain our time, our energy, and our focus. Without managing these three things well—by saying no to the things that we need to say no to--we won’t get very far in any venture.
So, saying no is a crucial skill.
AND, there are 3 specific No’s for us to pay careful attention to:
- No to others (what we’ve been talking about up to this point)
- No to ourselves
- No from others
What about this idea of saying No to ourselves? I’ll let you fill in the blanks yourself, but the general idea is this: Just like saying yes to others for the wrong things or at the wrong times slows us down (or even derails us), so it is that sometimes saying yes to ourselves can lead to the same result.
Saying yes to that third bowl of ice cream (if your goal is to lose weight).
Saying yes to watching the next TV program (if your goal is to finish cleaning the kitchen before bedtime).
Saying yes to taking a long lunch (if your goal is to getting that report done before you leave so you can get t your kid’s baseball game on time).
Saying yes to hitting the snooze alarm just one more time (if your goal is to get to work on time).
Saying yes to buying that new car when you can’t afford it (if your goal is to not be financially stressed).
We all need to manage our appetites, desires, and wishes. Otherwise, they'll drain our time, energy, and focus, which slows us down and possibly even keeps us from reaching our goals.
So don’t be squeamish about saying no to yourself, when necessary!
And what about this third category of “No”—the no’s we hear from others?
This gets into an entirely different topic. It’s important to respect the no’s we hear from others, well, for a ton of reasons. But as it relates here, the deal is this: trying to convert someone’s “no” into a “yes” also drains our time, energy, and focus, that we could conserve and more productively use to pursue our goals.
I know, I know. There are times to dialogue and sell and persuade and influence. And there are some “no’s” from others that are worth seriously engaging with.
BUT, there can be a fine line between trying to “influence” someone and trying to “control” someone.
We need to know when to let go and accept another person’s “no”, and move on. That energy could be much better spent elsewhere.
APPLICATION
1) How are you doing in saying “no” to others when you need to?
2) How are you doing in saying “no” to yourself when you need to”
3) How are you doing accepting others’ “no” when you need to?
4) Of these 3 “No’s”, which, if any, do you tend to struggle with the most?
5) Can you think of a time when saying yes drained your time, energy, or focus, and slowed you down?
Any thoughts? Leave a comment!
--Sean Cox, Chicago