Many times we think that we are listening when we’re really only hearing. What’s the difference? This may be a matter of semantics, but the way I’m defining it is as follows: hearing is a physiological function whereby we process sound waves via our auditory “equipment”—our ears. Listening, on the other hand, is a skill that goes way beyond hearing.
The doctor gives us a hearing test, not a listening test.
Listening is about tuning in and perceiving. The end result of good listening is always greater understanding. Does your listening lead you to better understand whoever is on the other end of you?
Hearing takes no effort at all. It’s an automatic process. Listening, on the other hand--good listening--can be hard work.
Listening can also be an art—there is an artistry and aesthetic to good listening. But it is a skill first and foremost.
What makes a good listener? You tell me. Think of a time when someone did a really good job listening to you. What happened? At the very least, you would have felt as if the other person really understood what you were saying. Perhaps it was a customer service rep or salesperson. Maybe your boss. It could have been a friend, partner, or spouse.
It’s possible, though, that you felt they understood you, not just the words coming out of your mouth and the content you were delivering.
So, there are different depths of listening and depths of understanding.
For example, listening to what is not said is often just as important—sometimes more important—than what is said. Are you capturing that when you listen?
Are you listening to the other’s “heart” and emotions? And are you “connecting the dots”, understanding what is causing the other’s emotional state?
Are you listening to “subtext” and reading between the lines of what someone is saying?
Are you integrating what you’re listening to with the context? What is it about the situation that needs to also be understood?
Are you “present”?
Now, think of a time where the opposite happened and you didn’t feel listened to. Why didn’t you feel listened to? How did the other person “miss” you and what you were saying?
Whenever we feel inadequately listened to it’s because we feel inadequately understood.
Why is any of this important? Because if you can’t listen you can’t succeed!
Many frustrations, disappointments, and failures--personally and professionally--have been caused by inadequate listening. In fact, I will go so far as to say that ALL of these have something to do with inadequate listening somewhere in the process.
I realize that whether a venture, project, or relationship works or doesn’t work is the accumulative result of many factors and variables. Indeed. I don’t mean to oversimplify anything.
That said, how well we listen is always foundational. We can do many things well, but if the listening isn’t there, then it’s only a matter of time before problems start emerging.
And one last thing. Good listening is a gift we give someone else. We are making that other person enough of a priority to shut off everything else and focus our attention on what they’re saying.
Give somebody this gift. I spend my life listening to people, and I’m convinced that most people aren’t listened to very well. Most people feel “unknown” beyond the surface of who they are. Sometimes it’s because they’re not talking, but usually they’re not talking because nobody’s listening!
So check your listening. Be mindful when you listen. Be present. Tune in and pay attention. And be on the lookout for who you can give this gift of listening to today.