♦ Everyone has a belief about God, whether they admit it or not, which thereby affects the way they live and see the world, as well as how they spend their limited time here on this earth: atheist, agnostic (version 1 and version 2), pantheist, panENtheist, polytheist, deist, theist, and all the rest. Personally I’m a theist, and more specifically, I’m a devout, as well as a flawed, very imperfect Jesus follower. I realize this is very personal and you may not care, but it’s important for me to say it, though it may never enter into our coaching conversation.

♦ My primary keyword with every client I work with is COURAGE, and the main task underlying everything I do with every client, regardless of their dilemma, ability, and goal, is for them to PRACTICE COURAGE daily.

♦ In the world of martial arts, every black belt began as a white belt. No exceptions. Every field and endeavor has a similar reailty. Learning is sequential and progress is incremental. Don’t expect to “skip belts”. There is an order and structure that must be accepted and submitted to. Growth takes time. Mastery takes even more time. Perhaps you just want to improve. Scale your expectations in accordance to your effort. But don’t expect to see magical results with the effort of a “dabbler”.

♦ Another key theme and major exhortation I communicate in various ways to every client, and a “sibling” of practicing courage (see previous point) is to PURSUE EXCELLENCE in whatever areas of life it is relevant to do so.

♦ You are capable of more than you think.  Most people underestimate their potential and overestimate their barriers.  Your potential is astounding.

♦ Living a strong life is something that matters greatly.  This can mean many things. In part, it means to fully engage and lean into life, embracing all that it is, putting in our best effort, one day at a time.

♦ Physical strength is highly important.  There are different kinds of physical strength–I am speaking generally.  But to have a strong body, and the discipline to obtain this strength, CARRIES OVER into every other part of life.  Get strong.

♦ Mental toughness and resilience are necessary for living a strong life.  Everyone can obtain mental toughness, with the right training, focus, and life experience.

♦ Spiritual power is most important, which means a few things, and requires further discussion.

♦ To be in control of your spirit is of immeasurable value. Uncontrolled emotion weakens you and can have grave consequences. Conversely, the ability to properly express emotion is a powerful asset. This relates to anger, as well as every other emotion. A controlled fire can bring warmth, light, and much benefit, and it can also burn down a city.  Control your fire.

♦ Fight your battles like a fierce warrior. When your battles involve people, be hard on the problem and soft on the people, unless otherwise warranted.

♦ Show kindness. Start with kindness, and end with kindness if possible, in all circumstances. Kindness is strength, not weakness. It takes zero effort to be a jerk.  Nurture a kind spirit, while you also nurture a fierce spirit.  These are not contradictory but 2 sides of the same coin (by the way, being kind is NOT being nice.  Being nice is often based in fear, but being kind is based in living out an intentional ethic. Put energy into being kind rather than just “nice”).

♦ BALANCE is of great value and something to pursue. But you have to see it first. Support and challenge. Grace and truth. Hard and soft. Fast and slow. Head and heart. Rigid and flexible. Objective and subjective. Traditional and progressive. Justice and mercy. Individuality and togetherness. Linear and circular. Tension and looseness. Structure and freedom. Art and science. Wild and restrained. Zoom out and zoom in. King and servant. Warrior and monk. Raw and refined. Book-smart and street-smart. Planning and action. There is a time for everything. If you’re integrated and balanced, and you develop RANGE, you will be ready for anything.

♦ There is a stratified sense in which change is possible, even transformation–different layers, different depths of change, from the surface of your being to the core of your soul.

♦ Say “no” more. If you can’t say no, then your “yes” is meaningless.

♦ We are semi-transcendent beings, meaning that regardless of the deficits, difficulties, or traumas we experienced in our younger years, we can rise above them to enough of a degree to move on in healthy ways, and don’t need to be enslaved to them.

♦ YOU and ONLY you are responsible for your life. You may not be responsible for what happened to you in the past, and perhaps you were a true victim of horrible injustice or abuse in its many forms, tragic as that may be. HOWEVER, only you are responsible for what you will do about it and what will become of your life. Take radical ownership of your life and your future.  And hear this:  even though you are responsible for your life, we all need SUPPORT, so get it when you need it, and get as much as you need, for as long as you need it.  No shame.  We need each other.

♦ While you are responsible for your life, you’re NOT responsible for other people’s lives (there are exceptions, eg, your minor-aged children).  You can be a positive, supportive force in someone’s life, and at times help out, but they are responsible for carrying their own load.  If the load is too heavy for them to bear alone, you can step in if that works for you.  But when you continue help bearing a load that another person is ABLE to bear themselves, you weaken them, undermine their dignity, and burn yourself out, and eventually end up resenting that person, and as odd as it may seem, that person may end up resenting you as well.

♦ The 3 CORE skill sets that we would all benefit from building, but that “none” of us really learns in any formal way, until we take it upon ourselves to get up to speed, are the skills of communication, the skills of self-management, and the skills of thinking. Success in every life endeavor requires these skill sets to be firmly in place.

♦ We can’t overestimate the importance of learning to navigate our life transitions, both macro and micro transitions. It’s common for people to get stuck somewhere in the transition process, with no idea how to move forward in a healthy way, or in the “right” direction. Time must be spent learning to master our transitions.

♦ We need to be CRYSTAL CLEAR on 2 categories: what we CAN control and what we CAN’T control. So many of life’s problems are because we’re living a life confusing these categories.

♦ Change is hard, but remaining the same often leads to a life that is harder.

♦ So much of the current age produces dull, weak people who are unequipped for living a life of any substance or impact. Be careful what you fill your head with and what you invest your time in.

♦ Never conform to things that diminish you and your potential.

♦ In order to stimulate growth you must venture out of the comfort zone and into the discomfort zone. Growth never happens IN the comfort zone. It’s impossible and ridiculous to think this way. Seek discomfort often.

♦ Related to the previous, do hard things, on purpose. A good way to practice this is to challenge yourself physically. This will carry over into every other part of your life. If you’re sufficiently healthy, sit in a horse stance, and work up to 30 seconds.  Then 2 minutes. Your goal is 5. Embrace the difficulty.

♦ Change typically begins small, and momentum builds as we progress. Don’t despise small beginnings. Shoot for “+1”, and a lot of +1’s starting out.

♦ Don’t just focus on how you failed, focus on why you succeeded when you did. Deconstruct your successes. When things are going well and you’re “nailing it”, and in the flow, what are the conditions that lead to this state? Lesson: despite our problems, life often goes well much of the time. What’s happening, and WHY, when things are going well? What principles and practices can you extract and apply?

♦ Having a GROWTH MINDSET is critical. Don’t pursue happiness, pursue growth. Sometimes growth makes us unhappy. Sore muscles after a strenuous workout. Happiness is fleeting, growth remains. Put down deep roots. Then “happiness” will emerge.

♦ Knowledge is power. WISDOM is knowledge on steroids. Wisdom=applied knowledge. There are many smart people who are foolish. Pursue wisdom.

♦ Building a campfire and keeping it going through the night will tell you all you need to know about being an overcomer in this life–personally, professionally, and relationally. What lessons and learnings can you extract (can you come up with 10?)?

♦ We need to nurture positivity because we live in a hyper-negative world. Be careful what watch and who you listen to. And then, don’t only set limits on the negative, but stoke the positive. Stay connected to the good, the true, and the beautiful. Limit the negative, cultivate the positive.

♦ Life is an adventure to be embraced. If you don’t see it as such, that’s part of the problem.

♦ You are most powerful when you are taking ownership of the things you can legitimately control and have true authority over.  Stand in your power.

♦ Small problems are easier to solve than big problems, and big problems are easier to solve than gigantic problems. Don’t wait for problems to become gigantic. Problems are not like wine–they don’t get better with time. Lean into your problems.

♦ Start where you are and do what you can with what you have.

♦ Don’t shame yourself. Understand yourself.

♦ Embrace the struggle and grow through it.

♦ Extract the lesson(s) from every heartache, failure, and disappointment. Get smarter with every iteration. 

♦ Tomorrow is a new day.  Fresh canvas. Paint something interesting.

♦ Start now.

♦ Both HEAD and HEART need to be integrated, valued, nourished, and protected. Learn how to bring the best of both to bear in your life.

♦ You must stay rooted in your PURPOSE. If you don’t have one, you better find one; you will endlessly struggle until you do.

♦ You have a set of STRENGTHS that can be nurtured and developed into your superpowers.  Many of these are innate, “baked into” you, waiting to be released.  Sadly, many are out of touch with their strengths.

♦ Related to my previous point, I am a strengths-based coach, meaning that I am always on the lookout for people’s strengths, and seeing where they are “showing up” in a person’s life.  I also see my job as “calling forth” your strengths, and seeing in you things you don’t always easily see in yourself (which is one of MY strengths).

♦ Men have 3 great enemies (and women may also, but I’m more familiar with men):  FEAR, DISCOURAGEMENT, and ANGER.  Any of these, unharnessed from reason and allowed to take root and grow, either actively nurtured or passively allowed, will cause great harm to oneself, and eventually spread to cause great harm to others.

♦ When I was 11-years-old my Dad bought me a set of barbells. Little did he or I know that I would immediately be bitten by the “iron bug”.  I was hooked from the start, with my scrawny little wiry frame.  And for the next few decades I was unwaveringly committed to my weight training.  Much of this was before the internet, but nevertheless I read everything I could find on becoming physically big and strong.  Not that I ever set any world records, or was even ever that strong!  But something more valuable happened: it became a true PRACTICE, a “way”, a path, to progressively grow personal strength and excellence. Filled with ritual and routine.  My practice has evolved and changed over the years, and isn’t as barbell-focused nowadays, but the spirit of “the practice” is still a foundation stone of my life.  MESSAGE TO YOU: we all need a Practice that becomes the vehicle whereby we challenge ourselves to find balance, grow, and forge a spirit of excellence.

♦ The one asset that eventually separates “the pack”, leaving those few who stand alone, having excelled a bit further than the rest, is work ethic.  Many people aren’t willing to work that hard.  Work often overtakes talent.

♦ The one subject area and skill that will take anyone further along the path of health and wellness, and ultimately success, is BOUNDARIES.  Understand not only what this is, but the breadth and depth that it covers.  Nearly every problem I’ve ever helped someone solve came back to being a boundaries issue, in some way.  There’s a good chance that boundaries are about much more than you think they are (unless we’ve worked together).

♦ In my work with men, and my personal experience as a man, there are a few things that eventually WEAKEN any man.  Feel free to add your own to my list:  too much complaining; lack of control over your appetites, desires, and emotions; bad company; unhealthy fear; laziness; passivity; blaming; purposelessness; isolation; arrogance; deceit; and selfishness.  Put on your armor and do battle with all of these every day.

♦ You can’t control the wind, the waves, and the weather.  All you CAN control is how you sail your vessel and optimally ADJUST to the wind, waves, and weather.  Sails and rudder.  And the reality is that some storms are harsh and intense, and the best we may be able to do is to simply brace ourselves and hold onto the rail until the storm passes, and keep sailing.  Often that is success enough.

♦ Don’t expect reality to magically be different than it is.  Reality is reality.  Your OPTIONS are always one of 3 things: to change the reality (IF it is changeable), to change your interpretation of the reality, or to accept and adjust to the reality.  Lastly, if you come to the 3rd option after working through the first 2, and you CAN’T accept the reality, because it’s simply “unacceptable” (eg, ethically unacceptable), then it’s time to move on.  However, be honest with yourself that you really have worked through these 3 options first, rather than taking the easy way out and exiting.

♦ Related to the last point, some realities will never change and need to be accepted (if possible, and in your best interest to do so, even if uncomfortable).  Your neighbor’s dog will always bark when you pass by its yard.  That’s what dogs do.  Dogs bark.  Accept it.  You’ll be less frustrated.

♦ Chasing happiness is like chasing a unicorn–good luck.  INSTEAD, pursue a meaningful life, in alignment with your core values and purpose, where you’re exercising your strengths on a daily basis, doing work that challenges you to reach higher and grow, and in the midst of all that helping someone else’s life become better.  Then “happiness” will show up, as a result.  Happiness is an effect, not a cause.

♦ 2 important ideas in the pursuit of growth and success in any realm.  First, bring strong intentionality to your effort.  Daily, thoughtful intentionality.  HOW do you want to “show up” today in the world (eg, practicing what core values and character qualities?), and/or WHAT are you committed to accomplish?  Be very specific and concrete.  Second, there’s the idea that what we measure improves.  TRACK the things you’re being intentional about and they will likely grow in the right direction.  Leaving this up to chance will lead to sub-optimal results.

♦ One simple way to think of the human personality is considering these 3 parts that must all work together. INTELLECT: reason, logic, analysis, rationality, thoughtful, responsive not reactive, reflective, slow and methodical; EMOTIONS: feelings, survival mechanism, early warning system, fight-flight-freeze, automatic, reactive, inner drives, desires, affections, interests, attractions, intuition, instinct, easily triggered, lightning fast, the “heart”, gut feelings; WILL: intention, decision to act, commitment, standing firm, following through, activates movement.
We need all 3 integrated, working together, and eventually pulling in the same direction, as 3 horses pull a chariot in the same direction, not fighting with each other. Some have one or two over-active without the third, which weakens a person in the end and puts them at a disadvantage in life, personally and/or professionally. Seek to build all three individually, and also integrated with each other.  Generally speaking, the INTELLECT must be in authority over EMOTIONS, and the WILL is “birthed” from what those 2 figure out.

♦ ACTION dispels fear.  AVOIDANCE fuels fear.

♦ Pain is useful.  It’s there to protect us.  Listen to it.  Learn from it.  And while some pain should be AVOIDED (“bad pain”)–eg, repeating unhealthy patterns– there is some pain that should be EMBRACED (“good pain”)–eg, the pain we feel when we stretch ourselves beyond our comfort zone to grow.  Avoid touching the hot stove.  Embrace the stress of giving that presentation that will boost your career.

♦ I believe a foundational component of an overall “strong life” is having internal strength, and going deeper, one of the pillars of internal strength is CHARACTER strength.  AND, it is the practice and development of VIRTUE that contributes greatly to this character strength.

♦ 2 things you always have control of:  your EFFORT and your ATTITUDE.  Some will disagree and say they don’t have control over their attitude.  If that’s you, congratulations, you’ve just identified one of your problems.

♦ Men NEED meaningful “stretch” goals to strive hard after. Little secret: it’s in the STRIVING after something meaningful that life increases in color, energy, and statisfaction, more than the actual achievement of the goal.