Clarifying Questions

Greetings,

I hope you’ve been well.  Recently we’ve talked about critical communication tactics.  Since we’ve been in that mode, let’s kick around another highly important and essential communication skill.

And that skill is . . . ASKING CLARIFYING QUESTIONS.

Some people are great at it, some are ok at it, and some are bad at it.  Which are you?

And then, some actually HAVE the skill pretty well developed and can do it well, but they don’t!  Why don’t they?  Why wouldn’t they?  That’s another topic.  Many people aren’t curious enough to ask, and others make assumptions and don’t feel the need to ask.

But knowing how to ask effective clarifying questions is often important to do so that we can draw out and extract more useful information from someone regarding the topic at hand.

There are often layers of information scaffolded within someone’s mind and “heart”.  I’m not saying we necessarily have to “plumb the depths” of someone’s heart, but there are so many basic conversations where it’s useful to know more about what someone is thinking.  That “extra” information can deepen our understanding of that person–sometimes with just one simple question!

And at other times that extra information will play an important part in a decision we’ll make.

There are many ways we can ask a clarifying question, and you probably have a couple favorites if you were to think about it.

But here are 3 of my faves:

1- “Say more.” (or, “Say more about that”, or, “Tell me more about that”)

Simple–2 words.  Technically, not a question.  With the right person in the right setting, it can open up a bigger conversation.

2- “I’m not sure what you mean by that.”

Don’t assume you know, unless you really do–but have some humility here, because it’s possible you don’t know as much as you think you do, and there’s no harm in checking!  And especially if you are just guessing at what someone means and is trying to express, ask this question.

A spinoff is, “I’m not sure what you mean by the word ‘lazy’”, as an example.  In other words, if there is one specific word you’re stuck on, you can focus on that word, like “lazy”.

3- “How did you come to that conclusion?”  Or perhaps, “What’s your thinking behind that?  How did you get there in your head?  I’m curious.”

Of course, we have to ask this with a genuinely curious and warm tone, not sarcastically or combatively, and not implying that the person is stupid for having their perspective.  In other words, not saying, with an attitude, “So how in the world did you come to THAT conclusion, Einstein?”  No, not that way lol.

As you know, I could say more!  But we’ll leave it here for now.

Our “success” at home, at work, and in the community at large, often depends on how well we communicate.  And an important part of that is being skillful in asking clarifying questions.

All for now, be well…

Sean

Chicago, IL