How to Receive Feedback

Hey there,

We’ve been looking at how to GIVE feedback–remember the S.B.I. tactic from our previous post?

Today, let’s talk about how to RECEIVE feedback.

Not always easy, is it?  People have a tendency to get defensive when given feedback–I know I do.  Or, at least I have a desire to be defensive, and sometimes I catch myself before something unproductive comes out of my mouth.  Other times, not so much, but I’m working on it.

Here’s a quick tactic to commit to memory for using when someone is giving you feedback.  It’s called the ABCDE tactic.  Change the name if you have a better one!

A:  Attend, or in communication skills lingo, practice good attending skills.  Which are what?  Typically body language that communicates you’re paying attention and listening, eg, good eye contact, sitting or standing square to the other person, with an open posture, etc.

B:  Basic empathy, which again, in communication skills lingo, means you’re listening well enough to paraphrase to the speaker what he or she just said, or provide a summary.  

You’re not agreeing or disagreeing, and for heaven’s sake you’re not getting defensive and making your case for why you did what you did. 

Perhaps more importantly, you’re listening with an empathic mindset and attitude, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and listening from THEIR experience.

C:  Consider.  This is self-explanatory.  Take a breath and a moment to consider what the person is bringing to you.  Obviously when we’re defensive we don’t do this at all!

And remember this:  don’t be all-or-nothing about a person’s feedback.  There may be SOME truth to what they’re saying, which would be wise to listen to.  Even if  only 25% of their message is “true” as you calmly see it, then that 25% is worth absorbing!

D:  Discuss.  Yayyy, you finally get to talk!  Ok don’t blow it!  “Discuss” doesn’t mean argue, and there may be the temptation to get defensive.  

What’s the difference?  In my view, when we discuss, we openly and honestly present our point of view while at the same time consider the other’s point of view.  

Sure, there will be times the other person flat-out misunderstands what we did or why we did it, and truly are “wrong” in how they see it.  

So, we can be empathetically assertive and hold onto our position.  We don’t have to agree with everyone’s feedback!  But it’s SMART to do A, B, C, and D, even if we end up having to agree to disagree. 

And by the way, it’s during this discussion phase that the other person will adjust their perspective after listening (hopefully) to our side of the story, if that’s the type of scenario you’re in.

E:  Extend gratitude.  This can be as simple as saying, “Thanks for bringing this to my attention”.  Why do this?  It ends things on a positive note. 

And what if you’re NOT grateful?  Perhaps the other person was pretty harsh in their feedback, etc.  That’s up to you–I realize there are some difficult conversations that don’t end well.  But I think if at all possible, extend some kind of gratitude.  

Especially for those situations where we can imagine it wasn’t easy for someone to give us their feedback, and even MORE especially if the feedback was helpful to us.

So there you have it:  ABCDE when receiving feedback.  It’s not always easy hearing feedback, and our impulse may be to get defensive.  

This is where having STRUCTURE, such as this method, can guide us, helping us remain calmer.  

Take a deep breath, engage with the person, and have a good conversation.

Until next time . . . 

– Sean Cox Chicago