Intent vs Impact

We recently talked about the very effective “S.B.I.” tactic when you need to give feedback to someone.

If you didn’t read it, I’d recommend scrolling back to that post and taking a look at those 3 crucial steps–it’s a quick read. You can find it here.

Plus, today’s message will make more sense if you glance at it.

I want to give an add-on concept to last week.  In fact, this is very important and has other applications in human communication as well, though we’re only focusing now on last week’s SBI.

So, when we’re giving feedback to someone, or making an assertive statement, or confronting someone–however you want to think about it–and we’re describing the IMPACT that their behavior has had on us, we are often met with some resistance, perhaps even defensiveness.

And one of the main ways the other person may push back is by saying something to the effect that they didn’t MEAN to cause this kind of impact.

Another way of saying this is to say that they didn’t INTEND to cause us a problem.

Ahhh.  I see.  IMPACT vs INTENT.  This is crucial to understand for effective communication, or we’ll get stuck every time.

I’ll give an example in a minute, but first it’s important to understand that when someone is appealing to their “pure intent” and basically saying that they didn’t mean it, they’re implying that they’re off the hook, absolved of all responsibility, and ready to move on with the day and forget the whole thing, and assuming we’ll do the same.

And THAT, my friend, is when you need to see that you’re in the middle of the game called “Impact vs Intent”, and respond accordingly (which I’m getting to–hang on!).

First, though, let’s give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  Most people are NOT really trying to avoid taking responsibility, and totally WILL take responsibility if we handle our part well.  

They’re usually just caught off guard.  We’ve all been in their shoes!

They probably even feel bad that they caused a problem for us, but we’ve only gotten as far as their initial reaction.  But that’s when most people either get tangled up in the conversation, or quit the conversation.

But we’re not going to do that this time!

This is where we, calmly, voice to them that, while we totally understand that, of course they never in a million years would have meant to cause the problem that they did, NEVERTHELESS, that the problem still exists, whether they intended it or not.

It’s both/and, NOT either/or.  

It’s holding onto 2 realities at the same time:  1) that you indeed understand that they DID NOT intend to cause the problem, AND 2that they nevertheless DID cause the problem (or the impact).

You do that, RATHER THAN the either/or proposal:  “Oh!  So you’re saying that you DIDN’T intend to back into my car and tear off my fender?  Ohhhh ok, well then let’s forget the whole thing!  Have a terrific day!”

Here’s an example.  Let’s return to my recent blog post’s Metallica scenario.  I’ll pick up the dialogue near the end (go back and read it for the full conversation).

YOU:  “. . . and the music has made it really difficult to sleep the last 3 nights”.

JOE:  “Oh hey man, I never meant to keep you up.” 

YOU:  (you thinking:  “Ok so what does THAT mean?”  Actually this is where a lot of people will just let the person off the hook and say, “Ahhh . . .  okayyy . . .  no big deal . . . have a good day.”  Instead, you say the following…)  “Oh no doubt!  I know that!  The thing is, I’m cranky all day if I don’t get a good night’s sleep (restating the IMPACT).  I’d really appreciate it if you could turn it down a bit.”

JOE:  “No problemo!  It’s already taken care of.”

(end of scene)

Like I said last week, obviously everyone won’t be as cool and understanding as Joe.  But we have to start somewhere in discussing this tactic.

So then, keep in mind that when you use the SBI tactic, you will often experience the Impact vs Intent game.  The other person usually isn’t trying to be difficult–remember, they may actually feel bad for causing a problem, once they let it sink in.  They’re likely just caught off guard.

At first, don’t make it a big deal, as I showed in my example with Joe.  Just simply steer the convo back to the impact, and follow it up with a SPECIFIC REQUEST.

All for now!  Have a great week.

– Sean Cox, Chicago